don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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