If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
