Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
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i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
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He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize