The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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