You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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