shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
