Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am available for nakedness
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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