im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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