oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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