so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize