end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Randomize
