Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
