I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
