Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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