I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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