i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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