would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
