Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Did I show you my penis last night?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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