I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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