I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
