The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
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I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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