you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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