yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
