Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
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I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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