You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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