Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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