You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
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i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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