You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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