Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
