my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
