My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
