Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
