Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
