well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Randomize
