i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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