ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
