yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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