I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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