my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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