What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
