If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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