I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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