Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
