she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
