News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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