I just pynch a tree in the face
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
