If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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