Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
