I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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