I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
