So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
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her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
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Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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