It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
