Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
