Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
